and the way I feel tonight I could die and I wouldn't mind

...I just saw the Pixies play "Doolittle" in its entirety on Friday the 13th. That is all.

(Blog post intentionally short due to one of the coolest motherfuckin' things I have ever seen in my entire life unfolding before my eyes. It doesn't even feel real.)

screw this crap i've had it i ain't no mr cool.

There is a 99.9% chance that this is the finest album ever written and somewhere along the way over the last few years I forgot that. I have said that about a few albums in my day but honestly, Pinkerton has never left the top of my range since it came out 13 years ago. I remember the exact day in October when I bought it and I remember the first time I listened to it in my dorm room. It still breaks my heart and somehow heals it at the same time and that's never going to change. The bottom line is, this record is beautiful and was way way way ahead of its time. The actual story behind this album is pretty amazing and I encourage you to look it up and understand where it began and how it came to be. Also, the way it morphed after its release (going from poor reviews initially to being considered one of the best albums to come out of the 90's). Anyway, I haven't written in a long time and I felt I needed to talk about this album this second (even though I blogged about it previously). That is all.

if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it

Official statement regarding Kanye West's "outburst" at the MTV Joke Awards:

You all (and by you all I mean the 5 dozen people who were bitching about it today) just fell victim to a marketing stunt. Whether it was a marketing stunt pulled off solely by Kanye West (maybe) or a marketing stunt pulled off by MTV (more likely) it doesn't matter. You have talked about Kanye West all day and you have indirectly helped his sales or at the very least you have created enough buzz that people who would ordinarily not give a shit or who have no idea who the hell Kanye west is will now want to learn about what happened and who he is. Therefore, this was successful. To me it was an obvious ploy by MTV to try and remain relevant even though they have not been relevant for a really long time. Also, I find it a little odd that they continue to hold a video music awards show yet never show any videos. I'm a little peeved by this whole thing, not because he interrupted some crappy pre-packaged country pop singer's speech but rather because a) when did rock n roll get so sad and tame that musicians are no longer allowed to act crazy? They are artists. Artists are crazy. I mean, 90% of music sucks right now (especially the shit coming from the big labels) but now I'm starting to think that is more of an indictment of the audience and the industry than the actual creators. b) People need to learn how to take a joke. If people would take themselves a little less seriously this would not have been a big deal c) Obviously Beyonce's video was better as it won video of the year. Therefore, Kanye's statement wasn't even opinion, it was fact.

Okay that concludes that although, I am kind of pissed Lil Wayne wasn't involved. I'm tired and need sleep and could have ranted about this in more detail but I didn't feel like writing a Kanye West defense manifesto even though he did make one of the best albums of 2008 (I stand by that one).

you don't want this sympathy

It's really way too late to be awake and blogging but there's a lot on my mind right now. First and foremost, thinking about one of my friends who is in the hospital and fighting cancer right now and hoping that he's doing okay. I'm probably going to go hang out with him tomorrow and I just really really hope he gets better soon.

Also, it's totally got me thinking about someone who didn't win that fight a long time ago and making me pretty sad that she died when she was so young. I guess I kind of buried that and haven't really thought about her for years until all this. I'm not going to go into anymore details because as I think about it, it just makes me sad and I can't go that deep into it right now.

On another note, "Automatic for the People" by R.E.M. is such a good album. I think the thing I like about it the most is that it's so soft musically yet so powerful lyrically. It's pretty close to perfect I think. Blows me away more and more every time I hear it (and I've heard it a million times). Right now, I really want to write music that feels the way this feels.

I'm going to try and sleep. We'll see how that plays out. I am so tired and for some reason my legs are all sore.

you'll heal inside eventually

I'm kind of at a loss for words tonight. It's officially been a year since I drank. All I can really think about are all the people I care about and how they've been here for me over the last year. I couldn't have done this without you and honestly, even if I could have done it without you, it wouldn't have meant as much to me as it does tonight.

I love you all and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Thanks.

I'm listening to "Easy Tiger" right now and hearing every single word for the 2000th time and just really realizing that nothing is at all the same as it was a year ago. Thank you DRA for writing music that gave me something to hold on to when I felt like I was going to lose it. I never would have made it here without your music.

I'm finally at the place that I really wanted to be for so long and it's hard to comprehend what exactly I've accomplished. The fact that I got to share this day with two of the best friends I've ever had really just pushes it to overload. Wow. That's all I've got.

forces of evil in a bozo nightmare

I decided to trade in the perpetual doom and gloom that has been this week for positivity even though it takes a lot of energy to push myself into that happy place. Part of the reason is, despite some minor things going wrong, everything is okay and also it could always be much worse. Musically right now, things are kind of working their way slowly into place and I'm starting to write again (which I haven't really been able to do without a struggle since last year). I think that July was just such a bad month for me last year that when it rolled around this year and a few minor things went crazy, I started to get panicky thinking that last year was repeating. Truth is, things are no where close to what they were last year and I'm thankful every day to be able to say that. I think since the year is now more than half over I should do what I did 6 months ago and drop my 15 current heavy rotation albums out here because I like to contrast and compare. I'm going to start compiling it and start it in the next post. I think for tonight, I'm done. Just wanted to make sure that I had something else up here other than the angst of the last few posts because that was me giving in to evil outside forces and I am just about above all that. So yeah, goodnight.

there's one too many faces with dollar sign smiles

Next line is..."gotta find the shortest path to the bar for a while." Of all the great drinking songs, I'm not sure there's a better one. The bad thing is, I was totally feeling it today. I'm really fed up with the part of me that feels like I only quit drinking to make the people around me happy. Let me just go on record and say that the little angel and devil on the shoulder thing you see in movies...that's legit. I've been having a rough month really and it's wearing on me. I'm doing what's right for me but damn it's hard to do sometimes. I just wish that for once something would fall into place in a way that makes me truly happy. I can fake happiness all day and night but the things I really want they continue to sit there just outside of my reach and so under the surface, I'm not doing great. I probably shouldn't admit that but it's how it is. I've been plagued with the thought that nothing is really different than it was at this time last year. It's like nearly identical except I have to feel everything because I'm not getting fucked up on whiskey. So, that makes it somewhat difficult to function at my full capacity. On another note, I went and saw Son Volt tonight with high expectations and after digesting it, it was really a mediocre show at best. Jay sounded great but the venue was terrible because they force everyone to sit down the entire time and the setlist was primarily stuff off the new album. I really like the new album, but the omission of "Drown", "Tear Stained Eye", "Route" and any and all Tupelo songs basically gave it a rating of shitty in my book. I think I'm done writing tonight. I think I might be done with music and so that's really the only other thing on my mind right now. Need sleep.

If you set your mind free baby maybe you'd understand

Okay I calmed down once I got some food, slightly invalidating my previous post (which was really intended just to mess with people. For the most part, I don't seriously feel that way). This day was kind of shitty. A Beastie Boy can't get cancer. Totally not cool even though he said in his video that it hasn't spread. That shit is fucked considering how celebrities are dropping like flies. Also, where the hell was Mike D?

On to Prince...If Sly Stone weren't such a brilliant mofo, I would completely destroy all my Sly & the Family Stone records due to the fact that Larry Graham (their bass player for those who don't know) destroyed Prince by "helping" him convert to a Jehovah's Witness. Fuck off Larry Graham and take your fucked up cult with you. For all I know, you're the reason Sly went into isolation for 20 years. I think you should join the Smashing Pumpkins. At least that way, you won't be hurting anyone who's making good music. Sorry, but Prince rerecording a Revolution song (even one that's unreleased) is never acceptable in my book especially when it goes from brilliantly strange to smooth jazz. Horrible.

Okay, I'm done ranting but I had to take out my hostility on someone because a Beastie Boy got cancer. So yeah, I don't have much more to say tonight other than I hope tomorrow is better and Larry Graham sucks.

Oh also, I'm currently ripping all of the passionate parts out of my songs and rerecording what's left of them in a smooth jazz style. You'll all love it. The songs are completely uninspired now and sound like there's no feeling behind them but at least they are showcasing my ability to sing worse than I could in 1986. Jackass. I want my $77 dollars back. Going to go listen to Sign O the Times now and remember when you wrote creative music.

why can't they love me for what I am instead of what they want me to be

Yeah, I think the title sums up how I'm feeling tonight and if you're paranoid and think it's directed towards you then it probably is...

PS I'm unusually pissed off because MCA has cancer and Prince rerecorded one of his better unreleased songs and it sucks compared to the original.

That's all unless my mood rapidly improves after I eat something.

I don't know which yellow brick road to take

I was in Kansas City this weekend. It's the first time I've been back there since last October. That previous visit was kind of rough. It was only about 2 months after I'd stopped drinking and everything was still very awkward for me all around. So, I was a bit apprehensive going back there this time even though it's 9 months later. I guess I should have known better but it was not at all what I expected. Saturday was pretty much one of the best days I've ever had and that's saying a lot. I don't need to go into the details because that's long winded but it basically can be summed up by saying that I hung out with the best friends I'll probably ever have and just being around them all day (even doing nothing that other people would consider all that exciting) kind of made me start questioning whether I I should really be living so far away. So, now, I'm sitting here in a bit of turmoil with a mind that's overloading because that opens up several huge decisions. In fact, it's so big and related to so many different things I think I'm done talking about it. I don't want to even try to figure it out tonight. I do know that I need a porch because you shouldn't go thru life without a porch and a screen door. That is a definite so now I'm going to have to turn our balcony into a porch. I'm going to start on it tomorrow. Also, Sonic Youth is amazing. I was blown away by their show to the point I can't stop thinking about it.

Okay, I just made a decision I'm getting irrational and confused because I'm tired and therefore I'm going to bed.

***Update*** I just had the realization that I'm torn between the Emerald City and Kansas and so now I get to go to sleep with the fucking cool weirdness that brings...

just remember what was yours is everyone's from now on

So, I have been terrible about updates lately so I need to start making up for it. There's been a lot on my mind lately. Things have been good and bad and then good again. The big thing on my mind right now is my music. Over the last 11.5 months, I've faced a lot of challenges and I've gotten through all of them pretty much unscathed. The big thing I've currently been noticing is that because of all of those challenges my passion for my music (particularly the alt-country stuff) was diminishing slowly over time. Well, long story short, the last few weeks that's started coming back. I know some of what caused it but I think the biggest factor is that I'm finally getting comfortable and not worrying so much about whether or not I'm going to lose all control and go into self-destruction mode. I'm pretty sure that piece of me is buried at this point. It's kind of crazy that the whole thing feels incredibly distant. So that being said, the big thing about my music (and that my roommate actually made me think about today) is that the songs are much more powerful when they are snapshots of what was. I feel like I've detached myself from them to some degree but not in a bad way. It's the strangest feeling. Basically, I don't feel any pain when I play them anymore and that used to not be the case. I actually appreciate where they came from and I can now focus more on good performances and not dwell as much on what or who they were written about. Obviously, they're al only about me though because I'm a selfish jaded rocker who has no time to think about other people. So yeah, then it got me thinking bigger and knowing how I'm detaching from the songs makes me think about other people attaching to the songs and it becomes a strange amazing cycle. It's like I'm ripping off a piece of me and then passing it around to everyone else and then eventually it becomes its own thing and that's an amazing thing. So yeah, that's my thought for the day. I'm going to KC tomorrow and really looking forward to it. First time since October. I'm also seeing most of the people there I care about and it's going to be great so I'm about to crash.

no message could have been any clearer

So it's pretty obvious that I'm writing a blog entry tonight.  It's especially obvious if you've known me for years and years and years.  The world lost a special person today and while there are a lot of people who probably hate Michael Jackson for who he may or may not have been in his personal life, the fact remains that his contributions to popular music and to popular culture are immense.  It's really hard for me to believe this is real.  The biggest reason for that is he had such an immensely profound effect on shaping my love of music (whether I really want to admit that or not).  

For example, I remember when I was 5 and I was scared to death of the Thriller video and I had to leave the room every time he transformed into a werewolf.  I would come back into the room and watch the remainder of the video once that part was past.  I also remember that eventually I forced myself to watch it because I was so transfixed on the music.  I had Michael Jackson paraphernalia to excess: Thriller jackets, Michael Jackson dolls, and even a glove.  Yes, a glove that I hand decorated with sequins and glitter and I wore probably way too much to be healthy.  Lord knows, I wish I had that glove right now because it pretty much symbolizes how simple and awesome childhood really is.  

As time progressed, Michael faded into the background until high school when I once again fell in love with the music.  At that point, I was very much discovering everything there is to know about Prince but at the same time, I was recognizing the things that were good about Michael's music.  This was a pretty crucial tie for me as it's really the time when I realized how much music means to me and also around the time I began writing lyrics.  One of the first songs I ever wrote was called "Hang On" and it's kind of over the top and as naive as you would expect something written by a 16 year old to be.  What I realize now is this: that song was about changing the world and helping people to make the world a better place and the more I think about it, the more I realize that at the time I wrote it I was hooked on "Heal the World" by MJ.  What is also important about that is tonight as I was listening to his stuff, I realized that my whole drive to play music stems from a desire to drive change.  I think that somewhere along the way, I lost site of that very big goal and how important that really is to me. So for me, if anything positive has come out of this it's that little piece of perspective that is so important to me that even talking about it now is making me shaky.  

So while I, like many others today, can honestly say that a piece of me died today when I lost a hero, I'm going to look at the other side and say that a piece of me came to life as well.  

Thank you Michael Jackson for giving the world what you gave us (especially the Jackson 5 stuff and Thriller).  You'll be missed.  Here's a draft of a song I wrote for you...

"the king is dead"

The saddest day

of the saddest week

of the year the world 

began to fade away

I feel so sick

can't eat or sleep

I'm still in shock

and don't know what to say

the king is dead

I think we're all to blame

the king is dead 

is that the price of fame

the king is dead

and all I feel is shame

the king is dead

the world won't be the same

as yesterday

so cold, so numb

as the moon it walks 

across the broken down

surface of the heart

still holding on

but it's getting rough 

I realize now 

there's no more innocence

the king is dead

I think we're all to blame

the king is dead 

is that the price of fame

the king is dead

and all I feel is shame

the king is dead

the world won't be the same

as yesterday

    

the ruler's back your boy is back

Damn, can't sleep and totally forgot I had a blog.  Freaking great night.  Long workout way too late at night and then ended up hanging out with my roomie and listen to Nilsson until 3 AM.  Now, I'm listening to Jay-Z and thinking I'll roll into work in a few hours.  Had a major freak out this week because I have been extremely diligent about my teeth lately to an OCD level and I noticed some stains on my lower fronts and was freaking out because I thought they were cavities when they were blood stains.  Soooo now that I've discovered that, in a much better mood.  Do not need my family making me teeth.  Not on my bucket list.  Nope.  Pass.  So yeah, also played some of the new demos tonight for roomie and his friend who I respect a great deal on a musical and personal level and got positive feedback so that kind of rules.  This weekend should rock.  Gene Ween tonight at the Croc and then Vinyl Saturday and the solstice parade.  Also, Sunday will be another day of either live recording or overdubs.  Things are looking good.  Super sore and should be sleeping.  Maybe I will squeeze in a few hours here but gets dicey when I worry I won't wake up.  Alright, that's it for now.

i feel a sickness...a sickness coming over me

Was going to rant about inconsiderate people but changed my mind.  No point in bitching about a drunk.  

Sooooooo........Pearl Jam.  So much music coming out this year and Pearl Jam's new album is included in that. They are playing songs from the new album on the Tonight Show on Monday and I am going to go with my gut instinct and say that this new album is going to be the best and also most commercially appealing Pearl Jam album in a long time.  How long?  Hmmmm well that's tough to guess but I will say it will be somewhere between Vs. and Vitalogy.  Of course, the last album was pretty good so they're already on the right track but I think it's time they really knocked it out of the park again.  Not that anything they have done is bad, but I just think it would be way cool if they kind of outshine the other high profile releases this year (cough Green cough Day cough Let cough Down cough) because they are some really fuggin good musicians.  As of today, I've lost 18 lbs (in the last month or so).  The workouts are good but I'm also trying to get it perfect so that I can go farther and farther but still maintain some sort of energy.  This week has killed me and it's probably for 2 reasons 1) Didn't eat anything before working out. 2) Out of rhythm from 3 days off.  I'm going to verify that first one tomorrow.  I think that's it for this post though, I'm out of words.           

i never understood don't fuck with me

I almost forgot, I hate nights when I have tentative plans to go hang out with friends and then I realize that I just can't go out that night because I'm feeling a little down or a little weak and I get afraid that if I go out I'll fall off the wagon.  It's shitty because I can go for a really long time and rarely have the urge but I have to analyze my current state every time I make the decision to go out.  I'm only writing about this because I want my friends to know that if I blow you off or no show it doesn't mean I don't want to hang out with you but rather that I am worried about breaking and I can't be around people boozing it up at the moment.  I love my friends to death and will always support them I just have to be mindful not to slip backwards because when I'm in that place it's good for no one.  So yeah, with that said, time for sleep. 

you wore a shirt of violent green

I could take this time and blog more about R.E.M. because I'm transfixed right now and when I get that way it's hard to focus on anything else. The thing is that I have some other stuff to talk about.  For example, so far this week, I've gone 14.3 miles on my treadmill and that's in the last three days.  My body feels completely beat up right now.  I'm also having muscle spasms every now and again but the truth of the matter is I like it.  I like it because I can go to bed every night knowing that I busted my ass.  There's something about pushing yourself to the breaking point that's very soothing and I feel like that is keeping me going right now.  It's not just with the working out either.  I bought a math book today because a) in order to take my coding to the next level when it comes to 3D, I need a refresher b) I have to push myself mentally in this instance because I'm right at the point where my work is about to cross thru to be classified as ground breaking.  I can't really talk about specifics but it's going to be cool and new and intriguing blah blah blah.  Musically, about to start on some new recordings and I'm convinced they'll be the best I've done.  Well, I think that's all I've got.  Energy rapidly fading.  More next time.  My point is it's good to push in case you didn't get that.

ps - Nightswimming or Country Feedback...which is better?  I have an opinion on this but want yours.  And if you have no idea what that means then um you didn't listen to music in the 90s.

calm down come quickly look at the lights in the big city

Yeah so I've not been blogging because I've been busting my ass working out nearly every day.  Today/yesterday/tonight I was listening to music and I realized a few things:

1. Nada Surf & Cracker are both highly under-rated bands.  Nada Surf in particular I think.  They've released some really good stuff that often goes unnoticed.
2. Animal Collective might be starting to grate on my nerves.  I was listening to the Panda Bear album today and it was irritating.  Maybe I just don't get the hype or maybe I should just bust out my sampler and keyboard and join the party.  I will agree with the statement that their die hard fans suck.
3. R.E.M. will always inspire me to write.  I need to listen to more of them right now even the three albums I don't like as much as the others.  The more I hear those songs the more they seem to grow on me.
4. R.E.M. is also an incredible live band and I'm now hoping that they play some random show at the Croc and I can get lucky enough to get tickets to the said show I'm imagining in my wildest dreams.  This is because they are recording in Portland and Peter Buck has a history with the Croc.
5. Green Day have jumped the shark and have taken Butch Vig with them.  Scratch him off my dream list of producers.  I'll now be hung up on Gil Norton and Alan Moulder.
6. I need a new record player.  I fear I'm going to scratch up my records with the one I've got.  I should probably make that investment sooner rather than later.
7. Telekinesis, Dr. Dog, Bat For Lashes, Blitzen Trapper and Los Campesinos are all still great (well Bat for Lashes is okay but Natasha Khan is smoking hot and so I threw her in there).  Please listen in wonder and enjoy their greatness.
8. I'm kind of digging the National but kind of not.  The singer tends to get on my nerves much like Panda Bear and Avey Tare (Please see #2 above). Thing is I have more respect for them and so I'm a little more tolerant.
9. Wilco (The Album) is in the lead for my award for best album title/cover art ever.  Also, the music is pretty good too.
10. I think the upcoming Marilyn Manson album will be surprisingly good.  I don't know why I feel that way, I just have a feeling he's due to be somewhat relevant again.
11. The Meat Puppets rule.
12. You get more exercise playing records than digital music.  I think a  return to analog might help with America's weight problem.  Also, we'll all have stronger wrists.
13. Finally, I'm glad Eminem is back.

That is all.  Hopefully, I'll find more time to write in the coming weeks.    

i wake up to the sound of music mother mary comes to me

Well, it's been a while since I've blogged.  Totally been busy with getting into a working out kind of groove.  Also, not really much to say right now.  Things are good as far as I am concerned.  

I will say that politically radical people who go to rallies scare me because I don't think they really have much of a sense of what they are really upset about.  I feel like a lot of people in America tend to hop onto political bandwagons for the wrong reasons.  I'd pretty much rather just avoid that and spend my time and energy helping causes that are attempting to eliminate malaria or cure cancer.  In the grand scheme of things, the political system in this country never changes much.  It always seems like the same bullshit on an infinite loop and people on one side get upset then the people on the other side get upset once the power shifts.  I watched Hotel Rwanda last night and it reinforced the fact that I think a bunch of people are petty and have their priorities out of whack.  I know that all happened a while ago but that type of shit happens all the time and we're worrying about the stock market (when ultimately our thinking fueled this "recession" that I don't truly believe exists).

Anyway, this is coming off as rant-ish and I don't want that.  Just know that I try to think about helping things on a bigger scale and so if I look bored when you whine to me about the president then I am probably bored with what you are saying.

I am about to crash and it's only 11:20.  I have really converted over to a early schedule.  I should mention (without another rant) John Lennon...vocal effects...Revolution, Across the Universe...make me lose it...all of those tracks.  Wish he was still here.  The Beatles...a musical constant in my life for as long as I can remember listening to music (tears just formed up in my eyes when I thought about running around as a 6 or 7 year old kid listening to Abbey Road in my boom box.)

PS in the Twitterverse I'm trying to decide if Diddy or Demi Moore is more effing annoying.  I'm scared to unfollow them though...they could prove valuable some day when it comes to world domination. 

teenage angst has paid off well now i'm bored and old

As of yesterday, it's been 15 years since the darkest day in music in my lifetime.  That's crazy because it doesn't seem like it's been that long.  Sometimes after I go back and listen to that music I feel like there was a huge void left by the departure.  Every year around this time I always want to do an epic cover of one of his songs but then I worry that covering one of those songs would be seen as too cliche.  Anyway, I just wanted to write and I'm up at 3:40 AM because I'm thinking about where music would have gone if he hadn't shot himself.  We'll never know, but still I often wonder about it.  It always amazes me how good those songs are and how well they have held up over time.   

eternity is just one kiss away

I guess I can start this by saying that I haven't felt this good in years.  Quitting smoking (for anyone on the fence) was an absolutely great decision and worth the pain I encountered the first few weeks.  It can be done and if you are thinking about it do it because it will improve your life long term.  Next up, Prince.  First, the new albums are good and worth the $12 for the three (exclusively available at Target).  The website is looking like it's going to be something special.  I almost bought tickets to go see him on Saturday in LA but ended up passing to see Bobby Bare Jr. (and I still stand by that decision despite the words that follow).  He fucking played In A Large Room With No Light which, for the uninitiated, is an unreleased song aka a Vault track, that many of the fans believed would never see the light of day (and happens to be my second favorite song of his that remains unreleased).  This is kind of a big deal because Prince doesn't play songs randomly.  So this leads me to believe it will be released thru his new site which leads me to believe that this may be the greatest $77 I ever spent on Prince's music.  It's looking pretty positive that the 10 albums worth of vault material really are being assembled.  I'm very excited, I just hope they get released once a month.  

So on to Bobby Bare Jr...I have to say I am continually impressed by his shows.  I skipped a secret show tonight due to wanting to work on my music and because I saw him last night but I really think I'm going to go see him next Friday.  Seriously good stuff.  Also, I decided today that I love this city and that's my final decision on that.  I spent some time getting to know it and I've finally made up my mind.  I will not be leaving any time soon (not that I was planning on doing that).  Seattle is where I want to be.

As far as my music, things are progressing and demos are going to be coming soon and official demos this time on like a myspace page.  We also decided today that when we do record an album the release will be digital & vinyl.  The CD release will be limited and will be strictly for us to give them out to our friends (probably numbered as well).  That's a ways off though, first we have a lot of demos to record.  We did agree that we want to release some singles though so that will probably happen before an album.

Finally, I played an Epiphone Sheraton guitar today and now I need to get one.  The way it sounds with my setup is just incredible.  It like blew me away.  I shouldn't buy another guitar right now but it was so good that if I don't I'd be doing an injustice to our songs.  I'll post pics once I get it which will probably be soon.

That's all for now.  Tired earlier these days (which I love).  Want to try and work out in the morning or at the very least it should be warm enough to walk into work tomorrow.