she asked me if i knew how...i told her i don't think so anymore

I noticed this weekend that when I become incredibly exhausted, that's when I really start freaking out for no reason. My work weeks have been over 60 hours since mid-November and I haven't felt right. I need to fix this because when I get like that, I literally have meltdowns and it impacts relationships with the people I care about because instead of recognizing that I'm just burnt out, I'll let the exhaustion manifest itself into low self esteem or self pity. I think that the other piece of this whole thing is that I am trying so hard to move past the way I used to feel all of the time that sometimes it feels like a civil war is going on inside of me. Old me vs. New me. It's been raging on for months which is why when I go back and read through this blog it sounds schizo. What I've finally realized is:

I just want to be happy. No more sad artistic beaten down broken hurt feel my pain through the words that I write me. I need to move past it and I'm going to move past it and if that means the music is done, so be it. Some things are more important and I'm tired of trapping myself in a room full of pain every single day of my life. I just need to let it go. If I can just do that, then everything will be okay and I will find the things that I need the most.

yeah i probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose...

The last month has been kind of crazy for me. When it started out, I was still exhausted from December and as it progressed it involved a lot of motion? Or was that chaos? Whatever it was, January was kind of insane. I dropped 15 songs out here, then I got freaked out because I thought I might be really really sick due to what I thought was potentially a tumor on my wrist (a symptom of lung cancer). It turned out to be a cyst on my tendon but it was painful and so I've taken some time off from music. My job continued to be crazy and pushed me in multiple directions with much drama and then the condo I was going to buy literally imploded after I waited 5 months to move and so I'm still unable to settle. Long story short, it was a lot to handle but what I'm realizing is that it's not really phasing me. I feel like over the last few weeks, the part of me that worried about things like that is just gone. I'm not sad and I don't know when the last time was that I could actually say that confidently. All the sadness left. It's a strange feeling but not a coincidence and not a bad thing. I'm still fine and I had what would normally be considered a bad month and I just move forward.

I also want to mention that I have a habit of not reading my blog posts after I write them. The reason for that is because to me these posts are really momentary. What a post means depends entirely what I'm thinking the second I write it and 99% of the time, the feeling leaves once I write it down or was only half real. I guess the point there is that nobody should really read this and try to analyze me from what I write because it's not representative of me as a whole. It's like my last post: not really directly related to anyone or anything but more or less derived from discussions about eyes and how peoples' eyes change (especially when they are under the control of something). It's really just an observation on the world and then I mix it with a lyric from The Antlers in the title and it gives the illusion of a completely thought out personal thing. It's creative writing, like I don't know, a novel perhaps? I should get a prize for my ability to write about absolutely nothing of substance but still being able to take up a whole page. Just sayin'.

BTW - Lil Wayne is or will be the savior of music. I'm not sure when it will happen but it will. It's also slightly confusing how I came to this conclusion and why I feel this way but I'm blaming it on pills.

we're terrified of one another and terrified of what that means

What amazes me is how much information you can get just from looking into another person's eyes. I'm kind of obsessed with this right now but it really is true. Most of the time, eyes don't lie. What's really kind of surreal though, is when you look into someone's eyes and you see something that you must have missed 100 times before because afterwards, nothing is the same. You see a part of that person that explains so much but also completely scares you because you realize that they really are as amazing as you thought they were in the first place and you finally can see how much they actually do care about you and why they act how they act towards you and it just blows your mind and drives you to the place where you're happy and sad at the same time. It's crazy.

This post is either really generic or really specific and ultimately it doesn't matter because I'm just writing words right? I really hope nobody takes this personally...

Now quit reading my cryptic anecdotes and go buy some of the good music that came out this month. Los Campesinos! rule.

sunshine been keeping me up for days

I really wish that Elliott Smith was still alive. I think the fact that he's not has made the world feel more shallow. I think those last two lines say enough that I'm done with this post. Really. Nothing else that I can say.

how many times can you hurt me before your conscience make you stop?

I had a messy week full of a lot of contemplation and self-assessment. It was tough, I don't know where it's going to lead and I'm still really mixed up from an emotional standpoint. One day I'll feel really good, the next I'll feel pretty bad. I guess that's kind of how I am. That's nothing new. My life comes in extremes. Up and down, up and down. At least I realize that now. There was a time I didn't have a clue. The big realization this weekend brought and one that I'll happily share is that at this point in my life, it would be as hard (if not harder) for me to start drinking again than it was for me to stop. The reason for this is pretty simple. The person I was before is not the person I am now. I hated the person from before because all that person did was destroy and I like the new person because all he does is create. While some people can try to say that I'm not really different, the fact is I am very different than I was 18 months ago. The only piece of that old person that remains is the piece that lives in other peoples' minds. What sucks is that I can't wash it off of them. I wish I could. I wish they could instantly forget that I was hurting and that I was broken and that ultimately I was sick and that it made me afraid of everyone in my life and that it made me act out in ways that were hurtful to those around me.

Until this week, I was seeing other peoples' inability to move on as an indication that something was wrong with me. I think that's actually pretty far from the truth. I think there are some people who have a narrow vision or who can't adapt to change (even when it's positive) and I think those people are actually really insecure and weak. Don't get me wrong, I still have a capacity to care deeply for those people even if they don't return it because in reality, life isn't about other people loving us but rather it's about who we love. I'll feel sorry for them, but I won't condemn them and I'm just not going to let someone else's opinion hurt me ever again. I am who I am and you are either in or you're not but don't sit on the fence or tell me one thing to my face but then go and tell a completely different story to everyone else. That really accomplishes nothing and it's not going to change how I feel about you it's just going to limit the things I'll talk to you about.

Also, if you decide you are against me, it's not going to stop me from showing you my best which hasn't even surfaced yet because I've really just started down this path. I'm aware I was lost for a while, you can bring it up as much as you want and you can try and make me feel bad about it but I've accepted it, it's over and as of today I'm moving on. Also, I learned a long time ago that if someone says I can't do something but I know I can, then I will do it and I'll do it better than I would have in the beginning just to spite the people who said I couldn't. And for the record, I adopted that mentality that from watching a movie shot in Minneapolis in the 80's way too many times.

You can tell me my "Darling Nikki" is too extreme and no one gets my shit but don't be surprised when that makes me channel all my energy into writing my "Purple Rain" and then when it finally comes and your standing there speechless, I'll be smiling cuz you won't know what else to say. Also just to be clear, that's this new thing I learned about called confidence which is way different from arrogance.

Maybe I'll throw some music up here next time, but tonight I needed to express those thoughts.

Love...M

little boy lost he takes himself so seriously

It's a good thing I can laugh at myself these days. It's also awesome that every time I write a slightly angst filled blog post, the next day everything seems to shift for the better. The music will be back in just a few days especially since it's a long weekend. Some of the songs in the queue include "Lame", "Cover Charge", "The Fuck of It", "Butterfly", "Train Wreck", "Throwing Pens" & "'Til You Love Me Again." That is in no way a definitive list but just some titles of the songs I've been working out. Right now listening to Blonde on Blonde and everything is good so yeah...soon more music.

just down the street from your hotel baby I'll stay at home with my disease

So since this is actually a blog and not Napster, I decided to take a break from dropping songs and actually write something. Since late December, I've been torn up. I worked a ton of hours right before the Holidays and had some other ill-timed things happen that have affected me in a way I didn't really expect. I'm drained and really when it comes down to it I'm kind of wandering right now trying to figure out what I need to do to be happy.

So, I'm sitting here contemplating and I'm thinking back to August '08 and my decision to quit drinking and I'm trying to really figure out why I made that decision. The easy answer is that at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. Over the last 17 months, it's been interesting to say the least. I'm sure people who aren't around me all the time or people who are but don't really know me probably think things are better for me. Not exactly true. For the sake of accuracy, things are actually a lot harder and a lot more painful all of the time whereas before they were that way a lot but at least there was always an instant escape hatch if I needed it. In addition, I feel distant to most of the people I know because they can't really relate to any of the stuff I'm going through even though they'd probably like to think that they can help. So, yeah, the realization that things aren't really different, at least in my eyes is a hard thing to shake because you make a change that you perceive as positive you expect something good to happen or you hold on to the thought that everything that got you to that point happened for a reason. The harsh reality of it is much different and has left me wondering "What's the point if I'm still not happy?".

I read somewhere that 1 out of 4 people who drink excessively die via suicide and that shit is pretty scary when you think about it especially since a lot of those happen during "recovery." Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to be in that 25%, I just think it shows how difficult it is to make a change like the one I've made and it's not a coincidence that these people just lose all hope.

I think what I've come to realize is that as a society we treat substance abuse patients in the completely wrong way and that most people don't understand it. The truth of the situation is that a large number of the people who are labeled as having a "problem" most likely do not have a true substance abuse problem. I believe it's a symptom of other issues. Society labels them that way because it's often easier to tell someone that's what's wrong as opposed to dealing with the real underlying issue. The problem is that this has the potential to be very very damaging. Also, therapists are generally not very helpful. They are too quick to make a snap diagnosis and usually have their own agendas. Finally, I just want to point out that it's 100% hypocrisy to tell someone who has stopped using substances to start taking drugs to fix resulting depression. Drugs are drugs and if one doesn't fix the underlying issues (and it won't) the other isn't going to fix the problem either.

I guess the point of this is kind of two-fold. One I wish there was something I could do to help treat people the right way. Especially younger people because I look around and I see us giving pills for everything when we should be teaching people how to make peace with themselves. We really need a revolution in how we assess and treat this stuff but really where do you start? The second point is that as far as I am concerned, I'm at a cross roads and I don't know where it's going to end up. I have a pretty strong feeling I know where I'm heading but it fluctuates pretty regularly and honestly I'm pretty sure I'll be okay regardless of what happens. I don't know, that's half of what's on my mind. I'm not sure I can really write about the other half right now and this was already a long post so...

the sun sets over paradise

#015 - Without a Parachute - 2003

"Parachute" was written in 2003 with Travis during a late night jam. Originally recorded in one take, the lyrics are pretty much the same as the night I free-styled them. For a long time, I couldn't decide what this song should be or where it should go. It was a part of "The Gun Show" for a while and spent some time as part of "Emotional Masochism" and it's still kind of floating around. It's totally a love song although I'm not really sure who I was thinking about when I wrote it even though 2003 would indicate one of two people really but I would like to think I wrote it for neither of them because I like the song too much to chain it to those memories. One other thing, in case you missed it...it's not about suicide and it's also not about unprotected sex (although I told someone once that it was just to get a reaction) it's totally about limitless love and I think I can happily say that with this arrangement it kind of moved up on my own list maybe because every line in this song somehow(even though it's 6+ years old) means something significant to me or maybe because it reminds me of one of my favorite songs at least in the way it feels and the potential I see for what it could be. I don't know, I'm just rambling now so I'm going to post the lyrics...

"Without a Parachute"

The sun sets over paradise

I’ll let you be my only vice

But I don’t know where I’ll sleep tonight

The dogs are barking on the avenue

The clouds are spelling I love you

Graffiti from a jet plane passing by

I’m leaving on a westbound rail

Conscience on my tail

Now I can’t remember the first time I ran away

I’d jump without a parachute

Your dominoes are falling down

The pieces are not jumping into place

The way that I positioned them and now

I’m tripping all over me

When I should have been lying down next to you

I’d jump without a parachute

The writing on the wall

I think I see your name but it’s too blurred

I can’t make it out in the dark

I’m thinking that it says you were close to me

And we will always be one at heart

But I’m really having trouble digesting your words tonight

I’d jump without a parachute

The midnight breathing’s heavy

Your residue is on my skin

Not sure if time just ended

Or where life begins

How am I supposed to know

Where your world is moving every minute

When I was never in it

To begin with

I’d jump without a parachute

To prove I’m so in love with you

the moon is spinning and the sky is bleeding stars

#014 - I'm So Frightened - 2009

"I'm So Frightened" was written as part of the previously mentioned space opera and is part of a suite of 3 songs that when combined represent the main character on an acid trip. This piece in particular is the part where it starts to turn bad (hence the noise and the lyrics). It's a very noisy song and more of an experiment than the stuff I have posted previously. There are actually two sets of lyrics to this song, one male the other female with them trading verses (one about the drugs and one about growing old). It ties into the story that I can't really disclose but it the original demo I did with pitch shifted female vocals didn't sound right and so I stripped it back to a single character singing. Anyway, lyrics below. Be forewarned this song has a lot of dissonance. Lyrics...

"I'm So Frightened"

Uh oh, it looks like this time I’ve gone too far

The moon is spinning and the sky is bleeding stars

The wind is burning and my body is getting cold

I’m so frightened cuz these drugs are taking hold

Oh no, this void is too much for me to bare

I’m slowly floating to the middle of nowhere

My mind is tripping to the edge of outer space

I’m so frightened as the sunbeams form your face

Tell me what

Should I do

To stop the sun

From glowing blue

the night is late he's full of hate and loaded up on booze

#013 - Blender - 2007

Blender was a song I wrote in 2007 right after I moved to Seattle. It's part of "The Gun Show" and in so many words, the lyrics pretty much describe what it feels like to go on a hardcore whiskey binge (not that I would know anything about that, heh). I recorded an acoustic version in 2008 and talked about it on this blog back then but this version is waaaaaay better and is closer to how I originally envisioned it when I was writing it. Also, since 2008, I've added a verse and a guitar solo. Words are below. Peace out.

"Blender"

The complicated nightmare it assaults him endlessly

Can’t tell up from down just knows he needs her constantly

And even though he’s fading out he loves her desperately

But he’s too weak to follow through, fulfill that destiny

His heart stuck in a blender

Another week long bender

And now he don’t remember what he said

He wasn’t trying to offend her

Locked inside his drunk surrender

And now he kind of wishes he was dead

Yeah now he kind of wishes he was dead

The words scrawled on that napkin are far too blurred to read

But every other scribble just expresses one more need

He probably should have left before the wounds began to bleed

He probably should have dropped it but he won’t accept defeat

His heart stuck in a blender

Another week long bender

And now he don’t remember what he said

He wasn’t trying to offend her

Locked inside his drunk surrender

And now he kind of wishes he was dead

Yeah now he kind of wishes he was dead

The record sings a perfect song you’ll never understand

It says he thought she loved him and then she turned and ran

And now his heart’s as empty as the bottle in his hand

The same old tired love song from the same old broken man

His heart stuck in a blender

Another week long bender

And now he don’t remember what he said

He wasn’t trying to offend her

Locked inside his drunk surrender

And now he kind of wishes he was dead

Yeah now he kind of wishes he was dead

The night is late he’s full of hate and loaded up on booze

Alarms are ringing loud but his brain is hitting snooze

His mind is wrecked so by design he’s gonna get confused

It’s hard to give a fuck when there’s nothing left to lose

His heart stuck in a blender

Another week long bender

And now he don’t remember what he said

He wasn’t trying to offend her

Locked inside his drunk surrender

And now he kind of wishes he was dead

Yeah now he kind of wishes he was dead

it's really hard to catch a buzz

#012 - The Love That Never Was - 2006

The Love That Never Was is one more from "The Gun Show." I kind of had the idea for the chorus/title way before I had anything else. It was partially due to a bogus "online relationship" I was in at the time that had me miserable (and ultimately forced me to swear off online dating in any way shape or form). Anyway, it's a testament to relationships that die and carry on despite the fact there's nothing left or there was nothing there to begin with.

"The Love That Never Was"

See I could drink a fifth of gin

And sit here with a crooked grin

I’ll ponder why I let you in

When my whole life is one big sin

An empty look upon your face

The look that fuels my endless chase

I need to plot my great escape

To flee from you without a trace

It’s really hard to catch a buzz

When you’re making such a fuss

You’re rambling on and on about trust

And a love that never was

A love that never was

A love that never was

You know I’m seeing all the signs

The ones that read “You’re doing time”

Wishing I could hit rewind

To a place where love was truly blind

Now you know I can’t refrain

From calling you my ball and chain

I’m trying so hard to maintain

But you’ve pushed me too far past insane

It’s really hard to catch a buzz

When you’re making such a fuss

You’re rambling on and on about trust

And a love that never was

A love that never was

A love that never was

This game’s so played and so obscene

You know it makes me want to scream

And truthfully this whole thing seems

Like my big nightmare your wet dream

Looks like the end’s not far away

I’m praying for it every single day

Cuz right now I’m too torn and frayed

And I’ve just got nothing good to say

It’s really hard to catch a buzz

When you’re making such a fuss

You’re rambling on and on about trust

And a love that never was

A love that never was

A love that never was

It’s really hard to catch a buzz

When you’re making such a fuss

You’re rambling on and on about trust

And a love that never was

A love that never was

A love that never was

and just getting laid wasn't worth what i paid

#011 - Congratulations (You Broke Me) - 2001

This song sat around forever. I wrote it in 2001 and could never get it quite right until this fall. Totally intended for "Emotional Masochism" before I even concepted that album and recorded in late night sessions for years without satisfaction. I am very happy with these lyrics and the way it all kind of played out with the moog. It's partially about the one person in my life that it still hurts to think about and that's all I'm going to say about it. This recording was intentionally left kind of raw from a vocals perspective because I felt like it worked better that way. Lyrics below:

"Congratulations (You Broke Me)"

My whole world hurts

And the pain is much worse

Worse than it used to be before

Before you went away

And all I can say

Is I still have the jacket you wore

And just getting laid

Wasn’t worth what I paid

Cuz you left me feeling just like a whore

Congratulations you broke me

Does that make you happy?

Now that you’ve fractured my heart

Are you feeling elated?

Now that you’ve destroyed me

Now that I’m falling apart

These months seem like years

And I’m never in the clear

When I’m staring at pictures of you

I hate that it hurts

I really wanted this to work

but distance was long overdue

I can’t can’t go back home

So I’ll sit here alone

And pretend that I’m not black & blue

Congratulations you broke me

Does that make you happy?

Now that you’ve fractured my heart

Are you feeling elated?

Now that you’ve destroyed me

Now that I’m falling apart

The scars won’t wash off

And I’m too sick to cough

And the cuts are all too deep to stitch

I’ll sing to survive

But I won’t feel alive

And all the notes are falling off pitch

Everyone’s staring

Cuz they know how I’m faring

And deep down they all know you’re a bitch

Congratulations you broke me

Does that make you happy?

Now that you’ve fractured my heart

Are you feeling elated?

Now that you’ve destroyed me

Now that I’m falling apart

tonight i feel so cold and empty

#010 - How Many Times? - 2004

How Many Times? falls in the group of songs that were basically free-styled during a late night drunken jam with my good friend Travis during the "Busdriver" days (before the rapper stole our name). We recorded it once and I transposed the lyrics from that old sloppy recording and added some sloppy harmonica. This is considered somewhere between "The Gun Show" and "Emotional Masochism" but may end up on a yet-to-be-named acoustic record. The length is due to the way it was written. We used to just keep playing and it ended up with some good, but longer than 3 and a half minutes type songs. Also, note that there's not much of a chorus.

"How Many Times?"

The color in your eyes has left me blinded

Now I’m wondering why

I’ve tried so many times to fall in love

But I can’t find it

And it makes me want to cry

I’m hurting now

What’s up with you?

I used to think that life was good

Baby now we’re through

And I’m just dying

Dying alone

Now after everything we’ve been through

And all those separate times or hearts have strayed

Feels just like an endless dress rehearsal

Of some old desperate tragic play

Now I don’t know what I’m doing

And I don’t know what I need

How many times will you destroy me?

Before I concede to this defeat?

Tonight I feel so cold and empty

I’m feeling much more lost than found

My mind is shattered it’s beyond me

And I can’t pick my heart up off the ground

So darling won’t you please tell me

What do I need to do to set me free?

How many times will I let you break me?

How long will I let this carry on?

How many times will I spin the same record?

How many times will I write the same song?

So now I guess that life is perfect

Despite the fact you’re always on my mind

If I could erase you from this process

It’d be a better way to spend my time

How many times will you hurt me?

How many times will you wake me in the night?

How many times are you going to scar me?

How many times will I miss the light?

And I guess now that’s everything

Every little thing that’s on my mind

One last message left for you to ponder

Without you here how can I say I’m fine

lately things have gone from bad to worse

#009 - Freeloader - 2006

This was written during a really bad breakup and it's about someone I know. Anyone who knows her will get this right away anyone else just consider someone in their late twenties who lives at home and has never had a job. Intended for "The Gun Show" but hovering in the b-side zone a bit as well due to its very personal subject matter. Rerecorded in 2009 with organs.

"Freeloader"

I never should have let this run its course

Cuz lately things have gone from bad to worse

And no I’ve really got no sympathy

Cuz girl you used up all my energy

Freeloader when you gonna see?

I may be good for you but you’re bad for me

Freeloader when you gonna learn?

I’m never gonna fix you there’s no more bridge to burn

Well you know you wasted all my time

While living off of someone else’s dime

And no I don’t have one single regret

Because your biggest skill was getting me upset

Freeloader when you gonna see?

I may be good for you but you’re bad for me

Freeloader when you gonna learn?

I’m never gonna fix you there’s no more bridge to burn

You know I hardly ever saw you smile

And you were always putting me on trial

And no I won’t give in to all your games

Cuz girl I’m finally sick of taking all the blame

Freeloader when you gonna see?

I may be good for you but you’re bad for me

Freeloader when you gonna learn?

I’m never gonna fix you there’s no more bridge to burn

Freeloader please just leave me be

Freeloader you are killing me

they're all getting wasted they're all getting high

#008 - Where the Fuck's my Beer? - 2002

Written due to a bet all the way back in 2002. I pretty much sat on the chorus until this fall and then I ended up with something that I'm really happy with. The cool part is that the song kind of sums up my thoughts on being sober and hanging out with people who are drinking to excess. Written as part of "Emotional Masochism" and going to end up as part of it. The guitar craziness that is the second half of the song was inspired by Nirvana's "Live at Reading" DVD and I did it as kind of an homage to Kurt.

"Where the Fuck's my Beer?"

They’re all getting wasted

They’re all getting high

I’m just playing cool

Like I’m an ordinary guy

Deep down I wanna go there

I wanna get messed up

I wanna drown my sorrow

In this sea of plastic cups

Where the fuck’s my beer?

It used to be right here

But now it disappeared

Oh where the fuck’s my beer?

I could wait til you’re distracted

Then maybe have a sip

And I’m getting so nervous

Cuz I really don’t wanna slip

Cuz after I get loaded

The lights all fade to dark

It makes my brain think awful thoughts

and tears my world apart

Where the fuck’s my beer?

It used to be right here

But now it disappeared

Oh where the fuck’s my beer?

This isn’t entertaining

I’m not having any fun

It really gets depressing

When you’re the sober one

I guess that I’ll just sit here

Waiting for you all to hurl

And then when you’re not looking

I’m leaving with your girl

Where the fuck’s my beer?

It used to be right here

But now it’s disappeared

Oh where the fuck’s my beer?

bestest girl...and i love her so

#007 - The Coolest Girl - 2002

This one was written for someone really specific and was kind of what kick started the whole "Emotional Masochism" concept album. I mentioned that album before but the concept is that it's a portrait of a relationship and where it starts off exciting and new and then deteriorates as the album progresses. More on that in posts to come. The idea was that this would kick off the album with the relationship being in the pre-relationship state where one person is amazed by another and etc. This is a completely new recording as opposed to the demo from 2002-2003 and it needs some mixing work in the weeks to come but you should get the idea what I'm going for...

"The Coolest Girl"

I’m here all alone and I’m thinking of her

Cuz when she’s not here my whole world is a blur

Of pain self-destruction and unwanted doom

I just sit writing letters to her in my room

When she’s around all the pain melts away

It channels my sadness and makes it okay

I can finally see all the good in the world

And that’s why I say she’s the world’s coolest girl

Coolest Girl (that I’ve ever seen)

Rocks my world (this must be a dream)

Bestest Girl (I love her so)

In the world (and I want her to know)

I can’t quit shaking when I look in her eyes

Cuz I get so nervous when I try to disguise

All of these feelings that puncture my heart

So I bite my tongue as she tears me apart

She is too perfect in too many ways

So now I just sit around counting the days

Until I can finally say that she’s mine

So come on little girlie quit wasting my time

Coolest Girl (that I’ve ever seen)

Rocks my world (this must be a dream)

Bestest Girl (I love her so)

In the world (and I want her to know)

I really should tell her I think I’m in love

with everything that she says and that she does

She is the reason I sit here and sing

And I think she’s the only one who can bring

A smile to my face when there are tears in my eyes

Without her I’d crumble, without her I’d die

I’d call her and tell her my thoughts but I’m scared

That maybe she’ll push me away without care

Coolest Girl (that I’ve ever seen)

Rocks my world (this must be a dream)

Bestest Girl (I love her so)

In the world (and I want her to know)

i'll probably wind up dead but I need to clear my head

#006 - New Mexico - 2005

I wrote New Mexico in 2005 in about 10 minutes. This was right around the time I started to conceptualize "The Gun Show" album which is more or less a heavier alt-country album than a lot of what's been put out there to date by that crowd. Also, there's a strong underlying concept in all the Gun Show songs relating to self-destruction. I'll probably record and release this project before any of the others because I'd say that overall it's the most finished. This version was recorded this fall and is my favorite version to date. FYI It's also good when road tripping to New Mexico and other southwestern locales.

"New Mexico"

I’m leaving for New Mexico

I’m gonna pack up all my things

I’m heading west on the open road

Just to see what tomorrow brings

I’m going to New Mexico

I’m gonna leave this place behind

I’ll hit the gun show in Wichita

And buy a brand new .45

I’ll probably wind up dead

But I need to clear my head

Shooting snakes and drinking beer

I know it don’t sound glamorous

But it sure beats living here

I’m heading to New Mexico

I’m gonna start a brand new life

I’m gonna sleep beneath the stars

With a Spanish speaking wife

I’m going to New Mexico

Cuz that’s the place where I belong

Next time you turn around

You can bet I’m gonna be long gone

I’ll probably wind up dead

But I need to clear my head

Shooting snakes and drinking beer

I know it don’t sound glamorous

But it sure beats living here

I’m moving to New Mexico

I’ll drink tequila until I drown

You’d better bet that I decided to leave

The day you bought your wedding gown

I’ll make it to New Mexico

If it’s the last thing that I do

Running out’s the only way I know

And I’ve gotta run away from you

I’ll probably wind up dead

But I need to clear my head

Shooting snakes and drinking beer

I know it don’t sound glamorous

But it sure beats living here

don't get mad when i stare at you with nothing to say

#005 - Second Best - 2009

I wrote "Second Best" really fast as I was working on recording some of the other demos this fall. It's going to be a part of the "Emotional Masochism" album that I've been configuring and reconfiguring since about 2003 mainly because it falls in line with the rest of those songs. It was a different songwriting approach than I normally use in that I constructed the rhythm parts first and then layered guitars over that. Extensive use of backup vocals. Lyrics below:

"Second Best"

meltdowns turn to

breakdowns turn to

mass hysteria

I told you

that I was going to be the boy who

takes care of ya

Treat you better than you’d ever been treated before

Up until that day you finally threw me out the door

Go ahead and rip my heart out of my chest

I’d rather be nothing at all than be second best

And don’t get mad when I stare at you with nothing to say

Cuz I’m not the one who threw it all away

breakups turn to

make ups turn to

same old mistakes

I told you

that I was giving you

my heart until it breaks

Now it’s in a million pieces scattered across the floor

But still I just keep coming back coming back for more

Go ahead and rip my heart out of my chest

I’d rather be nothing at all than be second best

And don’t get mad when I stare at you with nothing to say

Cuz I’m not the one who threw it all away

sadness turns to

madness turns to

a whole lot of lies

I told you

that I was never really good at

kissing you goodbye

I’m feeling so confused about the words that made us cry

Gotta leave you in the past and reclaim my life

Go ahead and rip my heart out of my chest

I’d rather be nothing at all than be second best

And don’t get mad when I stare at you with nothing to say

i'm not gonna sleep tonight

#004 - These Nightmares - 2008

"These Nightmares" was written in the fall of 2008 when I was suffering from nightmares pretty much every night due to the awesomeness of nicotine patches. This version is from the aforementioned "space opera" project and also rocks some vocoder. The original version from 2008 was more raw and had a harmonica solo but I think I like the treatment with strings. Lyrics are below:

"These Nightmares"

I’m not gonna sleep

tonight

I can’t bring myself

to turn out the lights

The shadows are moving

in waves across space

The darkness transforming

the lines on your face

Rescue me darling

these raindrops keep falling

And these nightmares keep calling your name

I’m frightened, I’m stalling

these doors keep revolving

and I’m not even sure who’s to blame

these nightmares

They call

Your name

these nightmares

they call

your name

Whisper those words

into my ear

Tell me the things

that I don’t need to hear

Poison my mind

with more of your lies

Fuck with my head

as I’m closing my eyes

Rescue me darling

these raindrops keep falling

And these nightmares keep calling your name

I’m frightened, I’m stalling

these doors keep revolving

and I’m not even sure who’s to blame

these nightmares

They call

Your name

these nightmares

they call

your name

Love me

Hold me close
Do you even exist

or am I kissing a ghost

Wrap myself up

in these blankets and sheets

To hide from the demons

To search for relief

Rescue me darling

these raindrops keep falling

And these nightmares keep calling your name

I’m frightened, I’m stalling

these doors keep revolving

and I’m not even sure who’s to blame

these nightmares

they call

Your name

these nightmares

they call

your name

leave the back door open...I think that says it all

#003 - Booty Call - 2001

So back in 2001, I wrote this as part of the now abandoned "Rude Punani" project. This was a "band" created in college with my good friend Ben and we were going to write a bunch of reggae/punk/weezerish tunes that would totally make us just like Sublime crossed with Weezer. Heh. Youth. Anyway, we determined before we even wrote any songs that we should write a song called "Booty Call" and we should end every single show with it because obviously we'd be playing hundreds of shows with the two of us. In our minds at the time, it was going to be the most epic song ever. Well, eventually it was written and the lyrics were finished at some point in 2002 and then I finally recorded it this fall. It's slightly epic just because it's finally seeing the light of day and I really like the fact that it's slightly irreverent. The whole leave the back door open line is my favorite double entendre the full credit on that goes to Ben. Anyway, lyrics below.

"Booty Call"

I’m sick and tired of relationships

Sending flowers and buying gifts

and going shopping with you at the mall

You’re not the type of girl I’m gonna miss

Although I kinda like the way you kiss

but you should know that I’m setting you up for a fall

Leave the back door open

I think that says it all

I don’t wanna be your boyfriend

I just wanna be your booty call

I just wanna be your booty call

I really hate the way you whine

And all our talks are just a waste of time

just watching your lips move is bringing me down

And I can’t stand those songs you sing

Or all the drama that you bring

But I’ll still make some time for us to fool around

Leave the back door open

I think that says it all

I don’t wanna be your boyfriend

I just wanna be your booty call

I just wanna be your booty call

I’m so burnt out from all your games

Your neediness is driving me insane

And now I wanna get out before it’s too late

I’ll just pretend that you don’t exist

Then I’ll never have to reminisce

And I’ll just be another boy you love to hate

Leave the back door open

I think that says it all

I don’t wanna be your boyfriend

I just wanna be your booty call

I just wanna be your booty call

Leave the back door open

I think that says it all

I don’t wanna be your boyfriend

I just wanna be your booty call

I just wanna be your booty call