just love me baby, love me for who i am

It's so strange when you haven't posted in 4 years and you come back and read what you wrote 4 years ago. It's especially strange for me given how much has changed in that window.

A suicide, a dissolve of a relationship with a very close friend, a diagnosis and cure for anxiety issues that have plagued you fora decade, a life threatening illness, the loss of two of the most important musical influences in my life and then, finally, after all of it, a clear vision of who I am and where I want to go from here.  That's a summary of the last 4 years in about 3 lines.

What I've learned from all of this is: In this fucked up world, the most important thing right now and always, is love.  Love the people who matter.  Love the ones who don't.  Love the weird people and the people who are like you and the ones who are completely different from you.  Most importantly, love yourself.  It's the only way to truly be free and life is too short for hate.

I haven't released a song in a very long time.  That's intentional. Will I do it soon? Maybe.

It really depends on the weather.

II

Life lesson...

The darker it gets, the brighter the light shines when things finally turn around.

The universe keeps itself balanced.  We don't control that.

As far as the perpetual lack of music, that is about to change.  Get ready for Part II.

XO

Phobias I: Goats Hate Synths

I've got to stop blogging so earl in the morning but...

Kung Fu Classes For Women is my name for my electronic band.  I finished the first album this week and plan on putting out 2-4 more this year.  For the first record, I really only made two rules: 1) No guitars and 2) No vocals.  Also, you will notice that these songs are very synth heavy.  As it turns out, I like these tracks more and more each time I hear them.  I'm pretty happy with the end result and I love the art I made for the cover, even if it is totally ghetto...

Here's the big version because you need to see it in all its glory. Notice the pixelated synthesizer an pixelated 808.  Also, digital goat is hella-pissed.  So yeah, I hope you like the tunes.  More news and things coming soon.

  

i'm not daredevil

Matt Murdock is not Daredevil.

I've been on a long hiatus for several reasons.  No more.  More details to come in the next few days about Phobias, Part I and a few other projects.  I've released 9 new tracks in the last 3 days.  Check them out or just check out this one:

i might be strong but i'm not immune

It's 6:04 AM and I've been up all night.  Two years ago I wrote an album called Self-Destructor.  For the most part, I wrote and recorded all of it that May with a few tracks that came a little later down the road.  After I wrote it and sequenced it in demo form, I couldn't listen to it or play any of the songs on it because it basically ripped me apart whenever I listened to any of them.  Well, it's been two years and I listened to it last week and instead of feeling unbearable, it felt like I was hearing something I'd forgotten about and that I've missed.  


So, last night I started rerecording "Balloon" and "Tear Here" and I'll be revisiting the rest of the songs I wrote for that album in the coming weeks.  One difference from the norm:  I won't release any of them until the entire album is done because I need them to come out as a group.  It just makes sense that way.


For now here's the old version of "Blue Ocean Waves" which will be getting a revamp soon.


      

i watch you rage in the sahara tent

It's been a busy few weeks and I'll just say that the music is back because that's something that wasn't there for a while.  I've recorded 10 songs in the last two weeks which is a good sign.  Tonight I wrote the song below.  It was inspired by Paris Hilton's tweets. The song was originally going to be about altered states and mushrooms but I decided a Twitter Coachella heiress hipster inspired jam was way better.  I hope you like it.  I am excited about where the music is going because it's more or less just coming to me now even more so than it was two years ago when I record the 100+.  We'll see how this year pans out...we could be looking at the 300 demos project :).  Peace out y'all.  


Oh and feel free to follow me on Twitter if you read this and don't.  I avoided it for a while but now I'm all over it again. @m3d1um.

tie my hands behind my back i'm back i'm back oh wait i'm not really back

and my panic attack is a panic attack when I'm under attack...I'm under attack.

It's snowing in space.

4 new songs + a remix = my entire output in 2011. I hope you're still here because I don't plan on stopping anytime soon.

I have to organize and categorize a bunch of songs in progress in the weeks to come because I lost my list when my machine crashed the last time. That's going to take a bit of work since I have to pull all of that stuff from my notebooks.

More tomorrow about the songs from this weekend because I'm tired and really just felt like posting something about nothing so here's some shadowkitten.

i'm only sad to see my tears reflect your light...

Break me into dust

I'm only here

to take the place

of all your love

Close your eyes tonight

I'm only sad

to see my tears

reflect your light

The full moon stands still

I'm only weak

to hold your hand

please understand...

With a heart that's pouring rain

you live a sick and tortured life

if nobody feels he pain

please be careful with that knife

These are the first lyrics I've written since 2010 that really mean something to me. This song was inspired by Elliott Smith which is why I named it after him. I've been fighting vocal problems but decided I wasn't going to let that stop me tonight. I hope you get something out of this. I know I did. Goodnight.

i'll tell you something that i wouldn't tell you any other time

Hi. Lately things have been kind of slow going. I planned on returning to writing new stuff in January and a series of mishaps kept derailing me. A few weeks ago I started recording 8 new songs and then I over extended my voice an boom...voice gone for two weeks. So tonight I went and remixed/restructured "Electric." I remember writing this song and it has the distinction of being one of few that I made up while we were recording where the lyrics barely changed. I love those moments. Over the next few days I'm going to push to rework a few more of the older demos and hopefully by the weekend my voice will be back. It's almost manageable tonight but not quite there.

Oh and hey...if you by chance read this blog show me some love on Facebook. :).

she stares into space like a dead china doll

Hi. I wrote and partially recorded six songs this weekend. It's the first time that's happened in quite a while. Two of them are out there already and the others will be coming soon. It's late and I'm worn out and need to rest but tomorrow I'll explain what's been going on and what's next. Peace.

getchoo uh huh

I was going to put out the first single from Vampires today but I've since decided it's my "Smile." 2012 is an even year therefore starting today we get a new single depending when I wake up since it's 4 AM and I'm listening to Pinkerton.

2 Years ago today I started the 100 Demos Project. That weirds me out that it's been that long. Time for The Second Coming.

if you know what i'm singing about up here come on raise your hands

Not sure if any other song on the planet means as much to me as this one...

it's like that

Once upon a time there was something and then last Thanksgiving I wrote 30 demos and then in March they were lost because of a failed HD before they were done. It was called "Vampires" and it's about to become undead (please forgive the pun).

1.1.12.

you were not the same after that

This could be the most transparent post I've written in a long time.

Last year I wrote, recorded and released over 100 songs on my own in my own way. Something that I'm not sure many have done and honestly, something I wasn't sure I could do. Over the course of that year, I was offered a record deal and turned it down, got violently ill and lost my voice for over a month, and then became antisocial due to anxiety until it got to a level that may have only previously been seen in Sly Stone.

Earlier this year I made a decision to move home. It was a terribly difficult decision because at the time I was clicking with the city I lived in and I was in a groove. It was the absolute right decision and I'm finally where I should be and with the people I needed to be with and while there has been a gap in my music production, there's a very definite reason for it. Or several actually...

Being a fan of so many prolific artists I never used to understand why artists take time off between records. What I'm starting to understand is that every time you record a new group of songs, it pulls something out of you and truly does shift the world around you in ways that are often difficult to understand and also difficult to grasp. When I started recording the 100 Demos, I was starving for validation that I could write decent music. When I originally posted the first 15 here on New Year's Eve '10 I didn't get much feedback and it frustrated me to the point that I became a wreck and lost faith in what I was doing.

Then, in April I posted the songs to Soundcloud because I had listened to a track by one of the artists I most admire that was posted out there. Thank you Orion. Thank you DRA...again. After that it all changed. I couldn't predict that people would actually care and it fueled the fire continually for months and months. Just knowing someone will listen is sometimes more important than them listening. I quit sending my music to my close friends and just started down this other path.

I guess the point is this. I started doing this on a quest for validation that was possibly extraneous because I listen to enough music that I can generally tell what is "good" and what isn't. Honestly though, where I've landed is that art is art and what I might think is not so good or is great changes based on circumstances in my life. There really is no "good" or "bad." There really is just did you create something or did you just talk about it.

I've drifted a bit...the point is that I haven't recorded as much this year because I have changed. My perception has changed, my location has changed and I'm around people who have been missing from my life for the last five years and I've just been taking that in and loving every minute of it because I've needed them more than I will ever admit (except this one time). Mostly the same way I needed to write all those songs. 2012 will be a big year. I promise. You will be able to buy vinyl directly from this site, facebook or from the Broken Pony site once I have a minute to launch it and I was talking to my brother tonight about planning some sessions.

So in closing, for those of you who have been there for the last year plus (or for all of those years), please know:

You are my light.

I can't thank you enough for what you have given me. I don't know if this post will even do my thoughts justice but I figured I would try. Thank you.

New stuff coming. I'm behind schedule and may have to revise my plan...but there will be a lot more music in the next few weeks and we'll see where it lands. Ripped my voice up at karaoke earlier in the week. More to come...

the heart kills everything

I wrote this about a month ago and decided to use some lyrics I created a while ago because they fit. Part of my space rock opera. More on this later when I write about that entire project. This either falls between Princess of the Traffic Lights and Calm Down or between Calm Down & Everything's Fucked. Final placement is still pending...

362 to go...

The Heart Kills Everything by m3d1um

the lights are out and i'm staring at the ceiling

I wrote this a few months ago. I remember I was walking home late one night and I'd had the idea before when I'd been feeling pretty sick pretty consistently but then the whole thing kind of popped into my head later and came out the other night. The thing I like is that when I started this, it kind of started out sounding like my older jam Heartbreaker but shifted midstream when I was putting in the distorted guitar and I'm pretty happy with the end result. 363 to go...

Hospital Bed by m3d1um

what doesn't kill us only kills us eventually

Compared to 2010, 2011 has been pretty quiet as far as my musical output. There are a lot of reasons for that that I don't want to or can't go into. Instead I've decided that I'll just record and release an average of one song per day for the next year. Obviously there are days I won't be able to record but that's why we have weekends. So, to get this going here's a new song:

7:23 by m3d1um

364 to go...This is from an album I conceptualized at the end of last year but really only started working on this year. More to come as I release more of it. Peace...

Tonight tonight.

Extended break over... 12:00 AM CST. "I'm Not in Love With You" & possibly one other new demo are dropping. Game on.

...